Among the most practically useful concepts to emerge from relationship research is the bid for connection, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The central finding is both simple and profound: small moments of interaction can significantly influence the overall health and longevity of a partnership.
What Are Bids for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt one partner makes to obtain positive attention, affection, or validation from the other. Bids are not always dramatic or explicit; in fact, they are most often subtle. A comment about something interesting on television, a touch on the shoulder while passing through a room, a shared observation about the day: all of these are bids. They say, in essence: I want to connect with you. I want to be seen by you.
Bids manifest as verbal inquiries or nonverbal gestures, and they occur continuously throughout daily life, often without either partner fully recognizing them as the connection-seeking moments they are.
The Three Response Types
How partners respond to bids is, according to Gottman research, among the most significant predictors of relationship satisfaction and stability.
Turning Toward
Turning toward means acknowledging a bid with genuine interest and engagement. It does not require elaborate response: simply looking up from a screen, saying “yes, I noticed that too,” or asking a follow-up question constitutes turning toward. What matters is the quality of attention: the message that your partner’s bid has been received and that you are willing to be present with them.
Turning Away
Turning away occurs when partners miss or disregard bids, typically unintentionally. Distraction (from devices, from preoccupation with one’s own thoughts, from fatigue) is the most common culprit. The bid goes unacknowledged, not through hostility but through inattention. Over time, repeated experiences of turning away erode the sense of mattering to one’s partner.
Turning Against
Turning against represents an active negative response to a connection bid: criticism, hostility, dismissal, or contempt directed toward the partner’s attempt at engagement. This is the most damaging response pattern and is associated with significant relationship deterioration.
What the Research Shows
The numbers from Gottman’s research are striking. In marriages that remained stable and satisfying, partners turned toward each other’s bids approximately 86% of the time. In couples who later divorced, that figure dropped to just 33% (Gottman & Gottman, 2015).
This is not to suggest that every bid must be met with enthusiastic engagement; that would be neither realistic nor sustainable. But the cumulative pattern of responsiveness creates, over time, either a reservoir of goodwill and connection or an accumulation of felt rejection and disconnection.
Practical Tips for Turning Toward
- Pay attention to your partner’s bids, regardless of how small or seemingly insignificant they may appear. Many bids are easy to miss precisely because they are low-key.
- Express appreciation for connection efforts: verbally acknowledging when your partner is reaching toward you reinforces the dynamic and encourages further openness.
- Actively engage with conversations and activities that matter to your partner, even when the topic is not your personal area of interest. Your participation communicates care.
- Practice empathy toward your partner’s perspective, particularly in moments when you are preoccupied or fatigued. The recognition that your partner needs connection even in ordinary moments is itself an act of love.
The Cumulative Architecture of Relationship
Although individual bids may seem minor, their cumulative effect creates the emotional climate of the relationship. Relationships characterized by consistent turning toward experience deepened connection, enhanced mutual understanding, and greater capacity to navigate conflict constructively. Relationships characterized by chronic turning away or turning against develop an emotional environment of distance and mistrust that is difficult to reverse.
The implication is both humbling and hopeful: the quality of your relationship is being shaped, continuously, by the small moments you might currently be overlooking.
References
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The Research. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
If you and your partner are seeking support to deepen your connection and strengthen your communication patterns, Clarity Therapy offers couples therapy grounded in evidence-based approaches. Learn more about family therapy in Las Vegas or couples therapy in Las Vegas, or reach out to begin.
